Anger and it's Friends

Anger is one of several human emotions. The difference is that anger often causes people to ‘ be in trouble’. There are 8 core emotions. These are: fear, sadness, joy, surprise, trust, anticipation, disgust, and finally Anger. All humans need to be able to have these emotions. It is not anger itself that gets someone in trouble, it is when and where we get angry that causes dissonance. If something is wrong and we are not heard, anger is probably the emotion you would use to be heard.

Most of the time, anger is happening while also many fears are contributing to the anger. We may be in a survival mode and instinct drives one to find safety or to avoid certain people, things or circumstances. Fear can put us in a fight or flight  mode. When this happens, the brain is producing a large amount of cortisol. It is actually very hard to think that cortisol is making us feel terrible, but it does!

When we override our ability to think and reason, it is no wonder that anger leads to actions that are not ideal. Being misunderstood by loved ones is one example where a person might become very angry. We need to be heard and validated, but if someone doesn’t get enough of the right attention, they will be almost as happy to receive negative attention. It is odd, isn’t it? But it is true ; humans crave attention, and they will do anything to get it at times.

If you are sad, anger is often being pushed down into the subconscious. You’ve known people who were sad and negative. You have also known people who were filled with anger. Realizing that anger is the flip side of the coin to sadness means the angry person is working with a lot of very sad things and probably not knowing this about themselves.

It is in identifying why we are sad or angry that actually helps us  cope with these emotions better. Were you disappointed, misunderstood or in need of attention when you got angry? If so, you can look at these pieces to the puzzle of you so that you can see anger as also sadness. There are degrees to both, but generally if for these reasons, we will be either angry or sad.

Boredom and Physical problems can also cause us to feel great anger or great sadness. Not enough sleep last night, nothing to do today…? These two things can lead to Anger. Anger fights boredom because it is complicated to carry out and it demands attention. We make ourselves entertained by being mad at people, places or circumstances (things, too) when bored. And then if very tired or hungry or rushed, anger is probably easier to make happen than joy. Knowing that the emotion of anger is something we can control in ourselves when it is inappropriate. Notice I am not saying for you to stuff anger inside yourself. Notice also that I am not saying anger is necessarily a bad thing – it is just an emotion that most don’t enjoy being around.

How can we handle an emotion that most people wish they didn’t have as a part of their make-up? Anger is often triggered. A person who gets frustrated is in the pre=state of anger. It is always possible to feel anger  when frustrated.   Learning to handle frustration in a safe way will allow one to communicate better and be in personal control.

So, all of this is true – what to do about it, though?

Tools:

 1) Breathing in a controlled way can calm down frustrations so they can be worked with better. 4-4-8 patterns of breathing - inhale to 4 beats, hold breath for 4 beats, and let the air completely out of your lungs on 8 beats).

2) Take a moment to break away. This doesn’t have to be a long time-thing. It just needs to be you taking your frustration somewhere to gain better control of emotions. A quick, “Excuse me,” and bee-lining it to the bathroom to splash water on your face helps a lot. If you’ve been frustrated for a while that day, try changing shoes or socks. Changing textures and temperature tend to make frustrations much more manageable.  It works.

3) Take your brain on a quick vacation when frustrated. Instead of looking at pictures you have already downloaded to your phone or electronic device, search for something new and unique. Try to find the BEST of this (whatever THIS is). Take your brain on visual trip and travel to a place far away. Take your brain shopping online (window shopping is easier online).  

Here's hoping this shed some light on a very misunderstood emotion and its counterpoint that all humans experience in themselves AND in others. Anger and sadness can be a good thing in appropriate situations. However, when anger OR sadness start to own you and you do not want this to be true, the solutions are real, and people do gain control over both things. Your therapist is trained to help you through these journeys. Just ask for help!